and i was thinking...

how...

Monday, December 21, 2009, 9:27 AM

we sms

we msn

we blog

but we dont talk...

=(

how...

2010

Sunday, December 20, 2009, 8:58 AM

what if...

i dont celebrate birthdays for exco anymore..?

just let me continue emoing for awhile...

8:56 AM

why arh why arh why arh...

do friendships change overnight?

if not, then how?

why issit so distant now..?

'keep telling yourself its not your fault'

its not my fault.

vulnerable

Tuesday, December 8, 2009, 9:36 AM

smiling is tiring... keeping up a high-spirit is tiring...

if i really have to 'be myself', im a very introverted and uninteresting guy...

then again, i cannot accept 'myself'...

im always trying to be someone else..?

broken man.

if i were to re-live my JC year...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009, 7:32 AM

yea.. i screwed up this year... i was thinking... why?

i concluded that the root of all evil was me joining the student council again... im not defaming the student council; it is a good organisation which helps the school and is an easier way for students who wanna change the school to change the school in this organisation...

i thought back - why did i join the student council?

student council wasnt in my plan for JC at all... i repeat, it wasnt in my plan at all.. my plan for JC years is to set up Music Society and make it successful and going, changing the school spirit through this 'soft power'.. this is my main goal for my JC years... secondly was to join a sport CCA and experience team spirit within a team, which was why i joined vball, which many people couldnt believe i would really join n stayed through yea? band has always been my love and of cuz i will stay on.. and i hav a goal which is to play a solo by year 6... (i dno if i can achieve though..)

yes.. everything was nicely planned... until orientation... until campaign period... people were deciding whether 'to run or not to run' for council... to speak very honestly, i joined becuz i didnt wanna lose out to my friend.. or should i say, im afraid of the 'council-non-council' syndrome... im scared... friendships fall out this way... but that cannot be the sole reason for me to join the council... my aim for joining the senior high council is to make the school a better place... really..

to say the naked truth - council pulled me down this year... my first half of the year was totally dedicated to the student council.. so much so that my relationship with my father fell out cuz of me spending too much time in school.. why was i spending too much time in school? cuz i was busy with the student lounge at the time... i went to ikea many many many times tgt with yixiang.. bought many many many things with MY own money... my father wasnt happy.. why am i the only one doing when there are other people in the council?

yea... why was i the only one doing?

to say the real real truth again... i feel very alone in the organisation... i feel no love, no support.. what keeps me going is really my passion to want to make the school happier, livelier.. hence the initiatives such as lollipop day were being thought... i have no interests in organising big events no more... even within my own dept, i feel no love... i miss jh council.. i want to work with them... my chance was in the student lounge planning... but i feel the 'resistance' the jhsw gave me... i know they dont want us to be there...

hence im in no man's land.. im alone... really.

i became a workaholic in short.. really, my mind would be on council.. plan plan plan for school... on the other hand, im also planning stuff for MS.. which was not really stable at that time... getting used to new timetable and schedules... feeling torn apart between band and volleyball.. im coping with all these... and the one that took up the most time and effort and evergy and everything was - student council...

maybe im on the extreme.. cuz whenever im committed to anything i would make sure i will do sth good out of it... hennce alot is spent on council, as i receive feedbacck from june (my SW hod senior.. who gives really good advice..) that i must really love my job for me to carry on throughout my office... she told alot of words of wisdom... i thought i would be able to survive well.. but i realise i didnt.. even when i told june once that "sw is doing fine!".. now that i think of it, yea.. it is doing fine.. but im not...

im still living in the past.. i miss the jh days.. i should really really leave my memories at that and not continue the dream in senior high, which turned out to be a nightmare...

my CTs flopped like hell.. no one will think i will do that badly... people were concerned.. my parents were very concerned... my relation with my parents soured alot cuz of that... in short, i felt like a loser through and through...

interest in council dropped... but i still do my duties.. and still committed... but whatever i do, im tired.. i put my soul and heart.. im still passionate.. but at the end of the day, i would wonder, why work so hard? i turned to band and vball for solace...

after the promos.. i improved.. but still i need to face the dilemma of giving up my commitments... iti s a good thing as seen by the teachers... for me to free up time.. my parents would also agree too.. ok fine, it will do me good practically... but how about emotionally..? i cannot give up council can i? thus in exchange for that one commitment i have to give up 2 others - vball and Music Society...

im so so so tired...

and becuz of council... (yes, im blaming on council as well.. the meetings we have... when friendships deepen... and when we think we can be more..) im close to losing a friend.. a v good friend..

issit me that is changing, or issit me who is not changing when everyone is? issit my fault? or is there even a fault at all? is it natural? or is there sth wrong with me with my thinking..?

i dno why i suddenly think so much.. haha.. the stress is making me confess.. lols!

my greatest regret (much as i do not wish to admit): running for student council...

this year i shed the most tears... tears of sadness, loneliness, and helplessness... :(

i dont know if you will read this...

Monday, October 26, 2009, 5:12 AM

i dont know if you will get to read this.. but this is everything i wanna tell u... if you need a proper explanation for my behaviours...

i will stop putting myself down.. im getting myself up again.. but through getting myself up, there are many things which i need to get done.. and i require to go through these alone.. i cant, and i dont want you to be there for me...

i always get lost, and i dont know what i want... i jogged today.. haha.. i always like to relate life to jogging.. well.. there is one straight path for me to go.. that is, the park connector.. but halfway through i lost it, n i couldnt turn back, i dont want to turn back.. i continued running.. n eventually i found it again.. i continued jogging.. then i jogged to a road block.. its telling me that the path i took is wrong.. but luckily im still able to turn back.. although, as i turn back, i become more tired.. and less willing to run... i walked for a long time to get rested.. n i thought i didnt want to run anymore... i kept walking on, n told myself not to turn back... my destination was still far.. so i decided to run.. but i stopped very soon.. cuz im alrdy very tired...

in the end, i only walked... walked to my destination... im tired.

a guy who doesnt know who he is or what he wants, doesnt deserve much... im this guy.. i thought i knew what i wanted.. i thought im working towards them.. but obstacles come along the way.. n i became unsure of what i thought i know and want... things such as my relationships with my parents and you.. and also practical stuff like what i want to achieve...

i need to be alone to work things out... start from scratch... and i really nid to find what i really want out of life before i do anything again...

3 months isnt long.. but i hurt you many times alr.. you mentioned i gave you happy times as well.. i hope those happy times stay with you.. cuz for me, i will remember them too.. it isnt that my feelings for you changed overnight.. but i feel that we cnt carry on like this in the long run.. nope, dont start saying that we can.. cuz i cnt.. i know i cnt.. n i dont want to continue to lie to you or myself.. im just not ready...

my main priority is really A levels now.. and.. my parents.. i dont want my parent to worry.. i also dont want you to worry... you know how ashamed i feel now, in front of my sister? im a bad brother! the once role-model which everyone in my family, and extended family once praised.. the boy who was once his father's pride.. is now the worry of the family... being the eldest in my family, i want to protect my family.. i want to be that role model for my sister to follow.. i dont want anyone in my family to be worried for me.. you get it? now everything i dont wish to happen is happening to me.. i need to set things right.. n if i continue to be with you.. things will just get worse when we are together...

there are many factors to consider in love... i learnt it isnt easy... (funny, my PW proj is on life-long marriages..) yea, it is difficult...

i cnt give you love if i cnt even love my family.. i feel the dislike growing within me towards my father.. i feel my mother is near breaking point if i continue to worry her with my behaviours... i cnt face my sister...

im crying as i type these.. cuz i really really dont know how long will i take to set things right again.. n im giving up many things that i have passion in alr.. im sorry to sacrifice you as well.. i want to love my family first...

i hope we will continue to be there for each other.. as support.. as best friends... i dont want to lose you just like that... please? and sorry for putting you through all these...

i didnt want these either... but i cnt take it anymore..

i need to be alone.

we shouldnt have started

Sunday, October 25, 2009, 7:22 AM

sorry i broke your heart...

that day after i left, i felt nothing. i was... numb? i dno what gave me that strong will to keep saying no to you, and to just walk away, leaving you there...

i went to yixiang's house aft tht... it was to hide away from my family.. and also, i was trying to relieve everything in my mind...

i was invited to stay overnight at his house by his mother.. i wanted to.. i thought that would be a good chance for me to run away from everything.. for a night.. i thought that would be a good chance for me to tell someone everything im going through..

but i know by doing this im making my parents worry...

i called my mother.. she told me to get home...

fine.

i left his house at 10pm++

on the way back... i felt very very bad... everything came down on me.. i thought back how badly i treated you.. i thought how could i have left you there.. sorry.. we shouldnt have started..

i want to cry, but nth comes out of my eyes...

i feel sad... but no one can help me except myself...

haiz..